4 Things you wish you could say.
This is going to be a more or less emotional post. There are a lot of things I wish I could say to certain people, but for some it's too late and others aren't worth the breath.
1. "Thank you for being proud of me and believing in me no matter what, although we never had the chance to meet."
Believe me, I wanted to offer you a life here in Luxembourg, living with your son and his family. Living a better life, without having to flee from civil war and famine, without having to fear for your life . You only saw pictures of me and you always said that you are very proud of me and that I will turn out to be someone great. I loved you and you were my favorite grandmother of the both that I had. The day I got the news that you passed away was on a day where already before this tragic news, everything went wrong but I forgot all of that and was in shock of you being gone. I'm still not over it yet because every time I think about it, I tear up. I do believe that you are now in a better place and maybe you do see us from wherever you are. I hope that you are still proud of me, at least I'm giving my best. I love you. I miss you.
R.I.P. Grandmother Amelda
2. "Why didn't you tell me that earlier?! and why do you go on as if nothing ever happened?!"
You needed 3 years to tell me that both of us see our friendship on two different levels?! All I can say is: coward. But what I understand even less is that you have the nerve to show up later and pretend that there never happened anything. I don't know what was and is going on in your man-brain, but I'm not over this entire "I don't see you as such a good friend of mine, but more as an acquaintance…"-thing you tried to talk nice. I'm just glad that with time certain wounds heel and now, after a year of not seeing, hearing or talking to you, I am able to look straight into your green eyes and can say that I'm ok.
I wish you a good life.
3. "No." (without having a bad conscious afterwards)
I can't say no. I most of the time say yes and try to manage everything and fit it into a 24h-day. Sometimes when I do say 'No', I manage to say it to the wrong person, to the exact person to whom I should have said yes and it automatically leads to a bad conscious. Even when I say 'Yes', I find myself regretting the decision when it's already to late to change my mind. I am an analytical type of person, I always weigh the pro against the contra and try to find a solution/take a decision based on this scale. And because this usually takes a moment, I tend to take decisions without thinking and then…instantly I regret it but I can't change it anymore.
4. "I love you."
I never said it to someone, without meaning it as a joke (you could clearly hear the sarcasm and/or irony when I said it). Plus, there has never been and there isn't someone I want to say it to. Somehow I feel as if it makes me look like I'm a lonely person… Well, I still have hope, though.
See you later, alligator. x]