7 Day Challenge: Day 4

4 Things you wish you could say.

This is going to be a more or less emotional post. There are a lot of things I wish I could say to certain people, but for some it's too late and others aren't worth the breath.

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1. "Thank you for being proud of me and believing in me no matter what, although we never had the chance to meet."

Believe me, I wanted to offer you a life here in Luxembourg, living with your son and his family. Living a better life, without having to flee from civil war and famine, without having to fear for your life . You only saw pictures of me and you always said that you are very proud of me and that I will turn out to be someone great. I loved you and you were my favorite grandmother of the both that I had. The day I got the news that you passed away was on a day where already before this tragic news, everything went wrong but I forgot all of that and was in shock of you being gone. I'm still not over it yet because every time I think about it, I tear up. I do believe that you are now in a better place and maybe you do see us from wherever you are. I hope that you are still proud of me, at least I'm giving my best. I love you. I miss you. 

R.I.P. Grandmother Amelda

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2. "Why didn't you tell me that earlier?! and why do you go on as if nothing ever happened?!"

You needed 3 years to tell me that both of us see our friendship on two different levels?! All I can say is: coward. But what I understand even less is that you have the nerve to show up later and pretend that there never happened anything. I don't know what was and is going on in your man-brain, but I'm not over this entire "I don't see you as such a good friend of mine, but more as an acquaintance…"-thing you tried to talk nice. I'm just glad that with time certain wounds heel and now, after a year of not seeing, hearing or talking to you, I am able to look straight into your green eyes and can say that I'm ok. 

I wish you a good life.

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3. "No." (without having a bad conscious afterwards)

I can't say no. I most of the time say yes and try to manage everything and fit it into a 24h-day. Sometimes when I do say 'No', I manage to say it to the wrong person, to the exact person to whom I should have said yes and it automatically leads to a bad conscious. Even when I say 'Yes', I find myself regretting the decision when it's already to late to change my mind. I am an analytical type of person, I always weigh the pro against the contra and try to find a solution/take a decision based on this scale. And because this usually takes a moment, I tend to take decisions without thinking and then…instantly I regret it but I can't change it anymore.

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4. "I love you."


I never said it to someone, without meaning it as a joke (you could clearly hear the sarcasm and/or irony when I said it). Plus, there has never been and there isn't someone I want to say it to. Somehow I feel as if it makes me look like I'm a lonely person… Well, I still have hope, though.

See you later, alligator. x]
♥